Saturday, September 10, 2011
ANGER is one letter short of DANGER!
I became a very angry child because I couldn't get the answers that made sense and no one would let me be me.I learned quickly that negative attention was better than no attention! I got to a place in life where I cared about nothing except drinking and getting high. You see, misery loves company.
I went to jail and prison a number of times. I got high in lock up and didn't care. They made me do drug classes and anger management. But there is no such thing as rehabilitation is you are not ready. And I was in self destruct mode. Nothing anyone said or did would matter until I decided not to be angry anymore and to live life differently. Unfortunately that wasn't until I was wrongly convicted that I decided to change.
I had relationships with women and some girlfriends, of which none worked out because we would try to control one another and that never works. I didn't love myself. Hell I didn't even like myself so how could I be good for anyone else if I'm no good for myself. That had to change and it eventually did. When I received this current prison sentence I started a lot of self analysation, watching, and listening to others. you can learn a lot that way. I watched the actions of the ones I was surrounded by - SOCIETIES WORST! Wow I thought, I talked like that. Wow, I acted like that. Wow, I was an as_hole. A self centered one at that.
I learned you have two choices and I tell others in here that. One is to admit your a piece of chit and that you really effed up and try to rebuild and make your word good again because without honor, trust, and worthiness, you are nothing.
Or you can become a braggart. I did this, I did that, I had x number of women. You get a false high from the so-called attention inside from blowing yourself up. That happens on the inside and out there. And then you start to believe your own lies. The hardest for most is the first option. To face the truth and take responsibility for yourself and your own actions. This is what I did. And then I decided not to be angry anymore.
Life is different and better for me now even though I am locked up. And all I had to do was stop being angry and stop blaming everyone else for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. The hard part is now I have to won it and be responsible. Before I could just be made and make everything everyone else's problem or fault.
I'd like to give you an example of this before I move on: This guy I know of here in the prison was making homemade wine. He was punished by going to the hole. (Solitary) When he came out he said to me, "Clutch I never would have gone to solitary if so and so hadn't snitched!"
I said, "Are you serious?"
My observation from my personal life and the people around me is that no one has been taught morals, principals, respect, understanding, politeness and a whole host of other things.
photo from www.clickart.com