Saturday, September 10, 2011

ANGER is one letter short of DANGER!

Greetings and Hello again...Today I would like to talk about anger and reflections I have about this from the inside of this maximum security prison and from my own life at a time I was younger.  Hopefully some of my insights and observations will help someone out there or someone you know with any difficulties they might be having in this area...
I touched on this topic in one of my last writings called, "The Power We Give Words."  So let's start with me.  As a child I remember being angry with everyone and everything. The specifics are irrelevant, but to allow the reader a better understanding, everyone around me thought I should live life according to their beliefs. Family member against family member world tell me the other is no good and lies...
I went through years of not knowing the truth about anything in complete confusion.  Everyone was selfish to their own needs and wants and what they believed was right.  I see this today by and from the inmates I am surrounded  by.  They think its their way or no way.  They are right and everyone else is wrong.  I think many parents do this with their children vs allowing the child to grow and have a mind of his or her own.
I became a very angry child because I couldn't get the answers that made sense and no one would let me be me.I learned quickly that negative attention was better than no attention!  I got to a place in life where I cared about nothing except drinking and getting high.  You see, misery loves company.
I went to jail and prison a number of times.  I got high in lock up and didn't care.  They made me do drug classes and anger management.  But there is no such thing as rehabilitation is you are not ready.  And I was in self destruct mode.  Nothing anyone said or did would matter until I decided not to be angry anymore and to live life differently.  Unfortunately that wasn't until I was wrongly convicted that I decided to change.
I had relationships with women and some girlfriends, of which none worked out because we would try to control one another and that never works.  I didn't love myself.  Hell I didn't even like myself so how could I be good for anyone else if I'm no good for myself.  That had to change and it eventually did.  When I received this current prison sentence I started a lot of self analysation, watching, and listening  to others.  you can learn a lot that way.  I watched the actions of the ones I was surrounded by - SOCIETIES WORST!  Wow I thought, I talked like that. Wow, I acted like that.  Wow, I was an as_hole.  A self centered one at that.
I learned you have two choices and I tell others in here that. One is to admit your a piece of chit and that you really effed up and try to rebuild and make your word good again because without honor, trust, and worthiness, you are nothing.
Or you can become a braggart.  I did this, I did that,  I had x number of women.  You get a false high from the so-called attention inside from blowing yourself up. That happens on the inside and out there.  And then you start to believe your own lies. The hardest for most is the first option. To face the truth and take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.  This is what I did.  And then I decided not to be angry anymore. 
Life is different and better for me now even though I am locked up.  And all I had to do was stop being angry and stop blaming everyone else for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.  The hard part is now I have to won it and be responsible. Before I could just be made and make everything everyone else's problem or fault.
I'd like to give you an example of this before I move on:  This guy I know of here in the prison was making homemade wine.  He was punished by going to the hole. (Solitary) When he came out he said to me, "Clutch I never would have gone to solitary if so and so hadn't snitched!" 
I said, "Are you serious?"
He said, "Yes!"
I proceeded to tell him he didn't go to the "hole" because someone told on him, he went because he told on himself.  He appeared to be confused, (Imagine that) and reiterated it was the snitches fault. I said I disagreed.  Now he is becoming angry which is a normal response from people who don't understand.  Anger and violence is a normal first defense. Then I asked him if he knew where he was at and he responded with an affirmative. I asked if he was aware that 80% of the people in here will snitch on you and he again responded with an affirmative.  So I continued considering we were getting somewhere.  My next comment was;  "So if you are aware that 80% are snitches, why did you tell most of that 80% that you were making wine and then you showed them your product. Now whose fault is it that you went to the hole?"  You told on yourself, and you need to take responsibility for your own actions. 
I probably saved the rat from getting beat up that day, but more importantly I actually believe he "got it" and not to take the easy way out every time.
Some of the "ones" here don't care so much for me because I am so brutally honest and because the truth hurts and because they are faced with having to do the right thing or not.
So...when we are confronted with something we don't understand, don't
Oh, that's right I forgot, to ask questions might be to admit to others we are dumb....obviously not having enough self confidence causes this action and reaction.
My observation from my personal life and the people around me is that no one has been taught morals, principals, respect, understanding, politeness and a whole host of other things.

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