Saturday, August 27, 2011

PRISON, is not what you think it is.....

Prison is definably not what you, the general public thinks it is, nor is it what I thought it would be.  It is confusing as "Hell" to say the least. I am currently doing twenty years. Every waking moment is like walking on egg shells while trying to better myself.  Believe me when I tell  you there is no rehabilitation in prison.  This is nothing more then a warehouse for troubled souls.
I spent most of my life growing up on a farm where we treated our animals better than I am being treated.....
The system, nor the inmates will allow a person to change.  I know.  As I have changed, I am no longer the person on drugs and alcohol who didn't care about anything. 
I made a conscious decision to be a better person, an honest, respectful,caring human being which in this setting is constantly being suppressed.  The system thinks a prisoner claiming to be changed (rehabilitated) is a con, a sham.  Therefore I have been permanently labeled, and because of that permanent label "bad guy con" I am denied, denied, denied every and anything I request. That is the systems perspective.
The inmates consider change, kindness, and caring a weakness and will prey upon said weakness (meaning myself) and will come at (me) in any way they can. 
Therefore a person wanting to change in prison, is basically forced by both sides to be a "bad guy." (Illiterate prisoner inmate terminology for someone trying to be a decent person.)
If you refuse to do drugs, alcohol, or fighting inside these walls you are ostracised, picked on, beat up, shoved around. 
I have lived inside these walls for eleven of the twenty years I was sentenced to. I can find no positive way to live in here.  I've made my decision not to use drugs or be violent in any way anymore. Yet inside these walls the system punishes for doing good.  This is a no win situation.
I hide in my cell as much as possible, so I am not forced to deal with all the negative attitudes and drama.  Most of the men in here have not been nor are taught manners, respect, understanding, compassion, or empathy. They are angry people and want everyone around them to be miserable also.  Having to hide in a cell is not only a miserable existence, but it makes me turn into an anti-social persons who doesn't like people because of what I am surrounded by.
Honestly, I wouldn't want most of these inmates released to my neighborhood.  I listen to their conversations and see their attitudes.  All negative and violent.  Robbing people, raping women, drugs and booze talk.  These are supposed to be grown men, yet they jump around like children shooting each other with their fingers as gun props.  All this is, is a warehouse for grown up little kids.  Long legged men, (boys) who haven't been taught how to deal with emotions so they react negatively with fighting, steeling and knocking others down anyway they can.
From listening to these angry men for so many years, I think I understand them some.  I went through "the change" and learned to humble myself.  They have not done that yet.  To them humbling is weakness. 
A person has two choices in here.  One is to admit they are a piece of shit (that they have burned most of their bridges,)  then find a way to rebuild their lives and regain honor and make their word worth something again. If your word is worthless, so are you.
Most of the men inside chose choice #2.  They lie by telling magnified stories about themselves.  They brag about drugs, women and robbing which gains them attention from other inmates who will listen. Unfortunately these actions give them their old drug "rushes" as well as they feel important.  With each new story being glorified more they climb higher on the prison inmate hierarchy ladder of lies and hate.  Those are the leaders who lead the lessors and pick on the inmates trying to better themselves.  The liars win in here.
The old saying, "Misery loves company," rings true inside the walls!!  Prison is an "all boys soap opera!"  They do not understand the basic fact that their own actions have put them in this situation!  It's all too easy for them to blame the government, or a jailhouse snitch for their misfortune as they are totally unable to take responsibility for their own actions.
These men have barely heard the word KARMA nor do they understand it. To highlight this, not long ago, an inmate I know was let out of S.H.U. (Special Housing Unit, a prison inside a prison for those who break the rules) He said to me, "I wouldn't of gone to SHU and got in trouble if ++++++ hadn't told on me."  I responded with, "Are you serious?"  He looked at me blankly and said, "Well yeah."  I told him the other guy didn't tell on him, he told on himself.  He said a few blankity blank words to me and I nervously responded  by telling him with controlled strength that HE WAS CONFUSED!  His response to that was, "Huh?"   This ignorance is what I live with twenty four hours a day.  I read book after book to learn and try to keep a part of myself on the outside and sane among the insane.

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